the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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