Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
