thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
