Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
