did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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