I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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