I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
