enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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