When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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