is your mom at the bar?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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