You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
