I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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