Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
