I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
