Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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