My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
