just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
