"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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