We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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