I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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