so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
