come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
