i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
