Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
