I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
