so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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