You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize