I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
