I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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