Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
