i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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