So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize