I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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