woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
