Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
