When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
