I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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