Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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