I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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