you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
