My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize