shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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