??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
