meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
