I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
