her vagina looked like bernie madoff
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
