a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
