i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
