had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize