allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
