I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
