if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
