True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
