Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
