I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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