Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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