I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
