You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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