This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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