Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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